Reflections

Today, on Veteran's Day, the 4 short years I spent as a medic in the army are fresh in my mind.  The men and women I served with, and the ones I lost, are all front and center.  Leaving the service is the one regret I have in my life.  Though I left because of medical illness/injuries incurred while serving my country, I wish I could have served my full 20+ years.  I would gladly give back my medical retirement to serve again...though I don't see that happening.  There's a greater plan out there for me...I just need to continue down this path and figure out what it is...

I miss wearing the uniform.  Getting up before the sun rose to rally with my comrades and start the day with PT.  I miss the comraderie I had with some of the people I am lucky to call my best friends.  The bond between sisters and brothers in arms is one that most will never be able to understand.  While I admit I had some very  hard times after I got sick and my chain of command and those in leadership roles treated me like shit; I know that is not the "Army".  As with anywhere, you have good people who are poor leaders, and vice versa.  I miss getting up every day, being proud of the job I was doing; knowing that I was making a difference.  I loved my job as a medic.  I saw a lot of gruesome stuff, things that I will never be able to forget...but each experienced helped me be a better medic. 

Each and every day, I'm thankful for the experiences and the knowledge I gained as a combat medic.  I'm also thankful that I live to see another day, to awake each morning and take that first breath of the new day.  Some of my brothers and sisters weren't so lucky.  Every day, I think of them and wish the best for their families, hoping and praying that they are finding some form of solace and peace in their Soldier's ultimate sacrifice.  I love my family, and I love my country. 

On this Veteran's Day, I'm thankful that I have lived another day and been given the gift of life and the ability to awake each morning with a breathe of fresh air...for a new beginning.

Visit With Caden

My visit with Caden was absolutely wonderful!!  We got down there Friday early evening, and I was able to go with  Chris to surprise Caden when we picked him up from school to take him to football practice.  I walked into the gym, where they were having a halloween party.  They had a lot of the bouncy jump houses set up.  I walked up and one of the teachers called to Caden, "Caden, your ride is here".  He said, "Hang on Dad, I'm coming".  I finally piped up and said, "I'm not your Dad".  He saw me and screamed "MOMMMYYY!!!!!" and couldn't get out that bounce house fast enough.  :)  He jumped into my arms and gave me the biggest hug!!  He then told me that he wasn't expecting me until Saturday.  I had told Chris not to tell Caden when I would be there, because I didn't want to get Caden's hopes up.  Needless to say, he was a VERY happy boy! 

While in  Connecticut, I was able to see his last football practice and his last game of the season.  He doesn't really care for football, so he's done for a bit.  His first love is hockey.  I was able to go to a hockey game as well.  He was playing defense but recently switched back to being goalie.  He loves being the goalie.  At his hockey game this weekend, he stopped 30 out of 35 attempted goals.  That's my boy!!  :-D

That's the good stuff.  But the last week has also been filled with some not so good stuff.  Last week on Monday, I found a lump in my right breast.  I saw my doctor on Thursday and she found two more (for a grand total of three).  I am impatiently awaiting for them to call me with my diagnostic mammogram appointment, sonogram, and probably biopsy.  Theoretically, all three should happen on the same day, depending on the results of the mammogram and the sonogram.  Here's to hoping the lumps/tumors are benign and NOT cancer!!! 

This week has definitely been a testament of the power of remembering to breathe.  I can't afford to stress out about the additional medical drama.  The more stress I have, the more seizures I have.  NOT good.  I just wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away...*sigh*

Just gotta breathe...inhale...exhale... right?  Some days it's easier than others...

Been A While...

So it's been about a month since I last put anything on here.  So, here's an update on the goings on in my life.

I am no longer with my fiance.  He made some VERY poor choices that included me not being the only woman in his life.  I know a lot of people have been talking about this behind my back because I am now in a new relationship.  If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me directly and not go behind my back and talk to my family about it.  My ex and I were doing nothing but arguing and fighting for the last 6 months and it was taking a serious toll on my health.  The stress and everything else had only served to increase the frequency of my seizures.  While many of you may think I'm putting the cart before the horse by "jumping into a new relationship", I beg to differ.  Justin is absolutely amazing and has been more than willing to accept the challenges that are my life.  From accepting the relationship I have with Chris (Caden's dad) to my many health issues, and has accepted them all unconditionally.  For once, I feel like I'm being treated like a princess. 

I've had 2 MRI's and an EEG done at Togus and have my follow up neurology appointment on November 23.  We finally start to get some answers!

School kicked my ass last term.  I didn't do so well.  I had a seizure that really threw my cognitive functions for a loop for a couple of weeks which affected my ability to concentrate and put abstract thoughts together.  So needless to say, I am repeating one of the classes this term.  Things seem to be going better though, so here's to hoping for an uneventful term!!

I am going down to Connecticut to see Caden this weekend for Halloween!  I CANNOT wait to see my baby boy!!!  I know I just saw him for a month in July, but I miss him every day.  He worries way too much about his mommy!  I wish I could take away some of that fear and worry...Hopefully we can get my seizures fiured out and get them under control so that my baby can stop worrying...

Kane is doing well in his training.  He is havin a blast playing with a dog his size!  Charlotte, Justin's dog, is definitely teaching him that he's not as big a bad ass as he thought!  haha.  It's been good for Kane though.  We've discovered that he has some protective issues when it comes to me.  He's not used to having to share me with anyone, let alone another person AND/OR another dog.  Day by day things are going more and more smooth.

And I think that's about it.  Life is looking up!  I'm happier than I have been in a LONG time.  I have smiled every day for the last 2 weeks and it's all thanks to Justin Barnes.  :)  So baby, if you're readin this...THANK YOU!!!

Even through all the ups and downs...by remembering to "just breathe", I've survived the downs to enjoy the ups.

Inhale....Exhale...WooSaahhh

Having one of those days...  I guess it started last night when I couldn't sleep.  My mind kept reeling a million miles an hour about everything I had forgotten during the day and things I needed to remember for the next day (today).  I think I may have finally fallen asleep around 0230.  I had to get up around 0700 in order to leave on time to head to Caribou today.  An hour drive there and an hour drive back for a 10 minute appointment to get my blood drawn and pee in a cup.  The doc ordered a full battery of workups to be done...so they took five very large vials of blood this morning.  The drive there was enchanting; there was a heavy fog that had settled over the valley.  The drive home was pleasant as well; we watched as the sun burned the fog away and saw some lower lying areas that still had the cloak of fog. 

Then we got home and I started making phone calls.  I have a dermatology appointment in Augusta on Friday.  I called the appointment hotline to see if my Neurology and Psych appts could be moved to the same day, or at least around the same time frame.  Augusta is a good 5-6 hours away from us and it's difficult arranging transportation.  The VA has a van that goes down...but they only go down on Thursdays and leave at 0500.  It takes us at least an hour to get there from Wallagrass/Fort Kent.  Mom is busy with her school and her CNA class so the transport all the way to Augusta is a little difficult..Especially when we found out the van only travels one day a week from Caribou to Augusta...This whole not being able to drive thing really sucks.  There are days I get so damn frustrated (like today) about how limiting it is...  Then I tried to see if it was possible for Caden to make it up to Augusta since I'll be there for the weekend more than likely and that was a no go...He's got hockey all weekend.  I miss my baby boy sooooo much.  There are days (like today) where I wonder why the hell I adhere so adamently to medical advice by docs that didn't give 2 craps about me or the outcome of my health.  There are people with seizure disorders that drive on a daily basis, AMA...  My seizures are getting better...It's been about 2 months since i've one during the day...though I have had a couple at night.  There are days where I just want to say screw it, pick the keys, get in a car, and drive.  I miss my son.  I miss my fiance.  I miss my independence.  I hate having to be dependent on other people in order for me to get from point A to point B.  Especially now that I'm in the VA system and my appointments are going to be picking up big time to try and figure out what is wrong with me.  ARGHHHHHHHHHH

But then I remember why I put myself through all this torture...Because all it takes is one time of having a doozy of a seizure while I'm driving, lose control, and severely hurt myself...or someone else.  That's not a mistake that I can take back.  I have to constantly remind myself that I need to focus on hurdles one day at a time and not look at the hundred sitting in front of me.  Baby steps, one foot in front of the other.

*sigh*  Just gotta remember to breathe...some days it's harder than others...

Iraq Reflections

When I tell people that I was in the army, the first question is always, "Did you go to Iraq?  Afghanistan?".  When I inform them that I did deploy to Iraq for OIF VII, the question that always follows next is, "What was it like?".  People  may think that it is an easy question to answer, but quite the contrary, it is not.  What part of Iraq do you want to know about?  There are many.  Do you want to do what the social and family ties and the stresses it caused was like?  Do you want to know what war is like?  Or what about the countryside?  The people and the children?  Being a medic?  What part do you want to know about?  The part where I admit it broke me all to hell and I will never be the same again?    Which part?

 (And yes, I was on our company's football team in Iraq.  The only chic.  :)  Gotta find someway to pass the time and relax between mortar attacks...)

Humpty Dumpty.  There are many days where this nursery rhyme sums it all up for me.  Somewhere along the way in Iraq, I got sick.  VERY sick.  But with an illness no one can pinpoint.  Yes, I was diagnosed with PTSD.  But what about the seizures?  The tremors, the down right ATROCIOUS memory loss?  The stutter and speech issues?  No one can tell me about that.  No one knows what caused it initially, if it is a life long illness I will have to contend with or if it will eventually go away.  Every day is a challenge.  I have to live with my parents at the age of 27 because I can't be on my own.  My son stays with his dad, and will probably continue to stay with his dad, because I can't take care of him right now.  Not to mention the seizures and how I am afterwards scare him.  But at least I'm here.  I'm breathing, alive, surrounded by family.  Some of the guys I served with can't say the same...

   

I had Christmas and unwrapped gifts with my son over Skype.  He asked me every time I talked to him if the bad guys had bombed us that day and if any of my army team mates had gotten hurt.  No child should have to worry about politics and war...but my son did/does.  But at least I had the ability to have internet while deployed and had those luxuries; I know previous deployments weren't so lucky.

  

The sand/dust storms that would come up out of no where with the sporadic monsoon thrown in there as well.  Highs of 135*F and lows in the 30's.  Yes, we had snow over there too.  It didn't last long, but it was there.  If you put your face in front of a hot oven and just sit there...that's what it felt like.  But it was also quite beautiful in it's own right.  The majority of people were kind and wanted our help.  Children would line our patrol routes, patiently waiting for chocolate to be handed to them, or some other trinket/souvenier. 

Not all of Iraq was bad.

The  mortars every other night, the rocket attacks, and loosing your friends...THAT part sucked.

When you are talking to a Veteran and they tell you they've been to war, be considerate.  Rather than the first question out of your mouth being, "what was it like", first ask them if they would be willing/able to talk about it.  A lot of people can't talk about it because the flashbacks associated with their PTSD are too real. 

I guess, deployment and war, like with anything, is what you make of it.  No matter the situation, I try to find the silver lining.  It may take me some time to find the light and get to a point high enough where I can look down to look for that silver lining, but in the back of my head, I know it's there. 

When I get overwhelmed and it all seems like it's just too much to bare...I close my eyes, take a deep breath...and tell myself to 'just breathe'.

Anything Pawsable

I've been corresponding with an online magazine, "Anything Pawsable" that was created in/with support of the US Service Dog Registry.  It contains service dog/animal news, disability news, upcoming events, etc.  I had contacted them about becoming a possible contributor and they were elated.  I have a lot of "life experiences" in my young 27 years and this is the perfect outlet.  It allows me to not only work through my own problems/issues, but HOPEFULLY try and help someone else see that they're not alone.

Well....my first article was published today!!!  :-D  Please feel free to check it out and provide feedback.  For me...it's part of the healing process.  The more I talk about it, the easier it is to talk about without feeling so full of "bad" emotions.  It allows me to try to see it more objectively.  Here's the link to the article/magazine.
http://www.anythingpawsable.com/with-ptsd-admitting-you-have-a-problem-may-be-the-first-step-but-it-isnt-easy/#comments

First VA Appointment Today

I had my first of many VA appointments today in Caribou, Maine.  It was one of the "meet and greet", giving them my medical history and seeing what my immediate needs are.  I am optomistic!  The crew there really seemed to care and were very attentive.  I bombarded them with a ton of questions and no one batted an eye!  They were all extremely helpful and made sure I understood everything.  My nurse practitioner/case manager is on top of it!  I have a complete lab work up scheduled for next week (19 Sept 2011) on Monday.  She also put in referrals for dermatology, psych, and the all important...NEURO!!!  She said I should be able to get those appointments all within the month.  She made sure to put on the referrals that I was starting to experience new symptoms since last being seen by a physician.  So I'm hoping that it will be on the sooner end rather than later.  The only negative is that I have to go to Augusta, Maine, in order to see the specialists.  However, the VA does offer a shuttle service from Caribou to Augusta, as well as lodging.  So until Brookie moves to Vegas I will be able to visit her, but after she moves, I will have a place to stay! 

FINALLY!!!  A step in the right direction!  It's been 1.5 years...and I've finally found a set of professionals that give a damn.  :-D