Having one of those days... I guess it started last night when I couldn't sleep. My mind kept reeling a million miles an hour about everything I had forgotten during the day and things I needed to remember for the next day (today). I think I may have finally fallen asleep around 0230. I had to get up around 0700 in order to leave on time to head to Caribou today. An hour drive there and an hour drive back for a 10 minute appointment to get my blood drawn and pee in a cup. The doc ordered a full battery of workups to be done...so they took five very large vials of blood this morning. The drive there was enchanting; there was a heavy fog that had settled over the valley. The drive home was pleasant as well; we watched as the sun burned the fog away and saw some lower lying areas that still had the cloak of fog.
Then we got home and I started making phone calls. I have a dermatology appointment in Augusta on Friday. I called the appointment hotline to see if my Neurology and Psych appts could be moved to the same day, or at least around the same time frame. Augusta is a good 5-6 hours away from us and it's difficult arranging transportation. The VA has a van that goes down...but they only go down on Thursdays and leave at 0500. It takes us at least an hour to get there from Wallagrass/Fort Kent. Mom is busy with her school and her CNA class so the transport all the way to Augusta is a little difficult..Especially when we found out the van only travels one day a week from Caribou to Augusta...This whole not being able to drive thing really sucks. There are days I get so damn frustrated (like today) about how limiting it is... Then I tried to see if it was possible for Caden to make it up to Augusta since I'll be there for the weekend more than likely and that was a no go...He's got hockey all weekend. I miss my baby boy sooooo much. There are days (like today) where I wonder why the hell I adhere so adamently to medical advice by docs that didn't give 2 craps about me or the outcome of my health. There are people with seizure disorders that drive on a daily basis, AMA... My seizures are getting better...It's been about 2 months since i've one during the day...though I have had a couple at night. There are days where I just want to say screw it, pick the keys, get in a car, and drive. I miss my son. I miss my fiance. I miss my independence. I hate having to be dependent on other people in order for me to get from point A to point B. Especially now that I'm in the VA system and my appointments are going to be picking up big time to try and figure out what is wrong with me. ARGHHHHHHHHHH
But then I remember why I put myself through all this torture...Because all it takes is one time of having a doozy of a seizure while I'm driving, lose control, and severely hurt myself...or someone else. That's not a mistake that I can take back. I have to constantly remind myself that I need to focus on hurdles one day at a time and not look at the hundred sitting in front of me. Baby steps, one foot in front of the other.
*sigh* Just gotta remember to breathe...some days it's harder than others...
No comments:
Post a Comment