Inhale....Exhale...WooSaahhh

Having one of those days...  I guess it started last night when I couldn't sleep.  My mind kept reeling a million miles an hour about everything I had forgotten during the day and things I needed to remember for the next day (today).  I think I may have finally fallen asleep around 0230.  I had to get up around 0700 in order to leave on time to head to Caribou today.  An hour drive there and an hour drive back for a 10 minute appointment to get my blood drawn and pee in a cup.  The doc ordered a full battery of workups to be done...so they took five very large vials of blood this morning.  The drive there was enchanting; there was a heavy fog that had settled over the valley.  The drive home was pleasant as well; we watched as the sun burned the fog away and saw some lower lying areas that still had the cloak of fog. 

Then we got home and I started making phone calls.  I have a dermatology appointment in Augusta on Friday.  I called the appointment hotline to see if my Neurology and Psych appts could be moved to the same day, or at least around the same time frame.  Augusta is a good 5-6 hours away from us and it's difficult arranging transportation.  The VA has a van that goes down...but they only go down on Thursdays and leave at 0500.  It takes us at least an hour to get there from Wallagrass/Fort Kent.  Mom is busy with her school and her CNA class so the transport all the way to Augusta is a little difficult..Especially when we found out the van only travels one day a week from Caribou to Augusta...This whole not being able to drive thing really sucks.  There are days I get so damn frustrated (like today) about how limiting it is...  Then I tried to see if it was possible for Caden to make it up to Augusta since I'll be there for the weekend more than likely and that was a no go...He's got hockey all weekend.  I miss my baby boy sooooo much.  There are days (like today) where I wonder why the hell I adhere so adamently to medical advice by docs that didn't give 2 craps about me or the outcome of my health.  There are people with seizure disorders that drive on a daily basis, AMA...  My seizures are getting better...It's been about 2 months since i've one during the day...though I have had a couple at night.  There are days where I just want to say screw it, pick the keys, get in a car, and drive.  I miss my son.  I miss my fiance.  I miss my independence.  I hate having to be dependent on other people in order for me to get from point A to point B.  Especially now that I'm in the VA system and my appointments are going to be picking up big time to try and figure out what is wrong with me.  ARGHHHHHHHHHH

But then I remember why I put myself through all this torture...Because all it takes is one time of having a doozy of a seizure while I'm driving, lose control, and severely hurt myself...or someone else.  That's not a mistake that I can take back.  I have to constantly remind myself that I need to focus on hurdles one day at a time and not look at the hundred sitting in front of me.  Baby steps, one foot in front of the other.

*sigh*  Just gotta remember to breathe...some days it's harder than others...

Iraq Reflections

When I tell people that I was in the army, the first question is always, "Did you go to Iraq?  Afghanistan?".  When I inform them that I did deploy to Iraq for OIF VII, the question that always follows next is, "What was it like?".  People  may think that it is an easy question to answer, but quite the contrary, it is not.  What part of Iraq do you want to know about?  There are many.  Do you want to do what the social and family ties and the stresses it caused was like?  Do you want to know what war is like?  Or what about the countryside?  The people and the children?  Being a medic?  What part do you want to know about?  The part where I admit it broke me all to hell and I will never be the same again?    Which part?

 (And yes, I was on our company's football team in Iraq.  The only chic.  :)  Gotta find someway to pass the time and relax between mortar attacks...)

Humpty Dumpty.  There are many days where this nursery rhyme sums it all up for me.  Somewhere along the way in Iraq, I got sick.  VERY sick.  But with an illness no one can pinpoint.  Yes, I was diagnosed with PTSD.  But what about the seizures?  The tremors, the down right ATROCIOUS memory loss?  The stutter and speech issues?  No one can tell me about that.  No one knows what caused it initially, if it is a life long illness I will have to contend with or if it will eventually go away.  Every day is a challenge.  I have to live with my parents at the age of 27 because I can't be on my own.  My son stays with his dad, and will probably continue to stay with his dad, because I can't take care of him right now.  Not to mention the seizures and how I am afterwards scare him.  But at least I'm here.  I'm breathing, alive, surrounded by family.  Some of the guys I served with can't say the same...

   

I had Christmas and unwrapped gifts with my son over Skype.  He asked me every time I talked to him if the bad guys had bombed us that day and if any of my army team mates had gotten hurt.  No child should have to worry about politics and war...but my son did/does.  But at least I had the ability to have internet while deployed and had those luxuries; I know previous deployments weren't so lucky.

  

The sand/dust storms that would come up out of no where with the sporadic monsoon thrown in there as well.  Highs of 135*F and lows in the 30's.  Yes, we had snow over there too.  It didn't last long, but it was there.  If you put your face in front of a hot oven and just sit there...that's what it felt like.  But it was also quite beautiful in it's own right.  The majority of people were kind and wanted our help.  Children would line our patrol routes, patiently waiting for chocolate to be handed to them, or some other trinket/souvenier. 

Not all of Iraq was bad.

The  mortars every other night, the rocket attacks, and loosing your friends...THAT part sucked.

When you are talking to a Veteran and they tell you they've been to war, be considerate.  Rather than the first question out of your mouth being, "what was it like", first ask them if they would be willing/able to talk about it.  A lot of people can't talk about it because the flashbacks associated with their PTSD are too real. 

I guess, deployment and war, like with anything, is what you make of it.  No matter the situation, I try to find the silver lining.  It may take me some time to find the light and get to a point high enough where I can look down to look for that silver lining, but in the back of my head, I know it's there. 

When I get overwhelmed and it all seems like it's just too much to bare...I close my eyes, take a deep breath...and tell myself to 'just breathe'.

Anything Pawsable

I've been corresponding with an online magazine, "Anything Pawsable" that was created in/with support of the US Service Dog Registry.  It contains service dog/animal news, disability news, upcoming events, etc.  I had contacted them about becoming a possible contributor and they were elated.  I have a lot of "life experiences" in my young 27 years and this is the perfect outlet.  It allows me to not only work through my own problems/issues, but HOPEFULLY try and help someone else see that they're not alone.

Well....my first article was published today!!!  :-D  Please feel free to check it out and provide feedback.  For me...it's part of the healing process.  The more I talk about it, the easier it is to talk about without feeling so full of "bad" emotions.  It allows me to try to see it more objectively.  Here's the link to the article/magazine.
http://www.anythingpawsable.com/with-ptsd-admitting-you-have-a-problem-may-be-the-first-step-but-it-isnt-easy/#comments

First VA Appointment Today

I had my first of many VA appointments today in Caribou, Maine.  It was one of the "meet and greet", giving them my medical history and seeing what my immediate needs are.  I am optomistic!  The crew there really seemed to care and were very attentive.  I bombarded them with a ton of questions and no one batted an eye!  They were all extremely helpful and made sure I understood everything.  My nurse practitioner/case manager is on top of it!  I have a complete lab work up scheduled for next week (19 Sept 2011) on Monday.  She also put in referrals for dermatology, psych, and the all important...NEURO!!!  She said I should be able to get those appointments all within the month.  She made sure to put on the referrals that I was starting to experience new symptoms since last being seen by a physician.  So I'm hoping that it will be on the sooner end rather than later.  The only negative is that I have to go to Augusta, Maine, in order to see the specialists.  However, the VA does offer a shuttle service from Caribou to Augusta, as well as lodging.  So until Brookie moves to Vegas I will be able to visit her, but after she moves, I will have a place to stay! 

FINALLY!!!  A step in the right direction!  It's been 1.5 years...and I've finally found a set of professionals that give a damn.  :-D

Reflections on my Short-Lived Army Career

3 years, 8 months.  That was the extent of my active duty service to our country.  A far cry from the 20 I envisioned when I enlisted back in November 2007.  I did my basic training in Fort Leonardwood, MO (lovingly referred to is Fort Lost in the Woods, Misery) and my AIT (advanced individual training) in Fort Sam Houston, TX.  My first duty station (as well as my last) was Fort Benning, GA where I was assigned to Charlie Company, 203rd Brigade Support Battalion, 3rd Infantry Brigade, 3rd Infantry Division.  The infamous "3rd ID".  Come to find out we were the most deployed unit.  12 and 18 month deployments with maybe a year dwell time (being back home) before being sent out for another rotation. 

I loved my job as a medic.  Though most days, I was more of an administrative assistant, I still ate up every minute of it.  I loved wearing the uniform; what it stood for.  Then we came down on orders to deply to FOB Kalso, Iraq, in October 2009.  It was about 45 minutes SE of Baghdad.  Finally!  An opportunity to actually put into play my medical skills I had been trained in!  The being away from my family sucked.  The separation and BS that goes along with it cost me my second marriage, and the strain on Caden was difficult.  I saw a lot of crazy stuff.  But I got to help a lot of people too.  March 2010, something snapped.  I started having bizarre symptoms that no one could pinpoint.  They said I was crazy (and maybe I am...).  I began having "seizure like episodes" as they were referred to.  Finally, in May of 2010, I was sent home.  I got treated like crap because I got sick and only served 7 of my 11 months in Iraq.  I was accused of faking it to get out of the deployment...I'm sorry, but if I was going to "fake" my symptoms to leave Iraq...don't you think I would have done it during the first month or two?  NOT when we were over the hump and past the half way mark??  But anyway..I digress...

Being sent home was a double edged sword for me...I was happy to be able to try and figure out what was wrong with me, but I hated to leave "my guys".  From the day I left Iraq, until my retirement on 30 July 2011, I lived from a version of hell I would wish on no one.  It was one headache after another after another.  Mal-treatment, piss poor medical care by providers who judged rather than treated, and segregation because I was sick.  My medical evaluation board (to determine if I was fit for duty or was to be kicked out) took a year.  Luckily, I had a decent doc who ran my Med Board and he recommended medical retirement, rather than just separation.  I ended up with a combined disability rating of 80% from the VA.

Right now, I'm working on retraining.  I can no longer be a medic because of my illnesses/injuries.  SO, I'm going back to school for multimedia design at DeVry University Online.

Am I sad that that particular chapter in my life had ended?  You betcha.  But it was a necessary evil.  I got stuck in a horrible unit with a horrible chain of command.  Maybe things would have worked out differently if I had gotten assigned to a good unit...  Life happens for a reason...I may not understand it now...But in time I will.

So here's to making lemonade out of lemons, and remembering that no matter how hard life gets, all ya gotta do is "just breathe". 

<3 Shawna

Life

In an attempt to help keep my family that spans the nation more up to date and involved in my life, I've created this blog.  I'm sure that as time goes on, my rants will vary.  I have no set 'course' I want this blog to take.  I am using it as a vessel to convey information...and maybe even hope to gain some sort of therapy from it.  They say the more you talk about something, the easier it gets to talk about and the less "hold" it has on you. 

So if you so desire, jump on board and join me in my journey. :) 

<3 Shawna